Mirroring

To build a love relationship is a process that begins by learning how to communicate. Or rather listen, because if you can listen is half the battle won. You can learn how to listen by doing a mirroring exercise. There are many kinds of mirroring exercises. We use one that we learned by an Imago-therapist that we went to in the beginning of our relationship. The exercise is very easy, efficient, and gives a lot in return. To communicate in such a present, straight, and conscious way - like in this exercise - is a great help in all relationships. If you once have learnt it you can use it in all types of relationships. The time it takes to learn mirroring gives you back manifold! This mirroring exercise consists of there phases: listening and mirroring step by step, mirroring back all what your partner said, and finally mirroring back with empathy (from your heart).

The most common mistake that we do when we communicate is that we don't listen properly. We also misunderstand what we hear because we interpret what our partner said from the perspective of our own feelings and needs. To mirror someone means that you start with the phrase: -"If I understand you correctly...". It is important to start by showing humility and a willingness to check that might not have heard correctly what your partner said. Then you repeat what your partner said as accurate as possible. You end by saying: "Is that correct?". This end is important because it shows that you are asking your partner for help to understand what she or he wants to express.

When the one of you that started talk (tell her or his story), has told you everything that is of importance for the moment, the other starts once again and repeats everything what she or he has heard. You try to remember as much as possible or at least the core of what has been said. You start as usual with "If I understand you correctly..." and you end with "Is that correct?". When you do this exercise for the first times it is best to start with simple and uncomplicated things in your life. You need to be emotionally present to make it be as realistic as possible. Look for what has engaged you emotionally the last 24 hours. Have you felt irritated, happy, surprised, sad, angry, disappointed any time? Choose situations when your emotions don't have anything to do with your partner, like feelings in a dream, something from your work, something that happened between you and a friend or with a parent. Not choosing something that involves your partner is essential in the beginning. You need to learn the technical aspect of the mirroring first. You do it most easy if you don't tell something that includes a lot of strong emotional reactions.

Three parts

Part 1 (A tells her/his story and B responds):

A: Tells her/his story sentence by sentence (not too many words at a time).

B: After every sentence B repeats the story by starting with: "If I understand you correctly..." and ending with "...is that correct?"

Part 2 (summarizing the story):

B: Summarizes the whole story and asks A if she/he got it right: "If I understand you correctly..." "...is that correct?"

A: Responds with something like "Yes, that is right" or "No, it was like this..."

B: If A says No A says "If I understand you correctly..." and ending with "...is that correct?" with the new information.

Part 3 (telling what you can understand of what you heard with empathy):

B: Tells what she/he can understand from her/his heart "I can really understand..."